We’ve all been there right?! Where you feel like you are training for something spectacular and great and hard, yeah H-A-R-D!  Well that’s mom life…you are training every day but sometimes you don’t feel like you are winning every day.  You don’t always make the gold standard or the podium to receive the gold, silver, or bronze metal.  There’s no trophies. Sometimes the struggle is so real and so buried in adversity that you barely cross the finish line only to start all over again the next day. Being a mom is great and it IS the greatest responsibility and most challenging, yet most (intrinsically) rewarding job you will ever (EVER) have, but it is also exhausting and on some difficult days the efforts (the blood, sweat and tears of the foot soldier) go completely unnoticed.  It’s a dirty, tiresome and thankless job that not only  goes unnoticed but is sometimes mistaken by all as unimportant.

In the beginning I didn’t understand the importance of my job as a mom.  I thought it was MORE important to return to my corporate career… you know, where there are tangible rewards, accolades of praise and salary increases for hard work completed, etc. etc. etc! I know, right?! More important to climb the corporate ladder?!!  NOT!

While I love my two tiny little faces that sometimes sport toothless, chocolate-smeared grins, sticky hands, and just enough naughtiness to keep a girl constantly on her toes, there are days where I think “I just might not survive this! My tiny humans might not survive this! I might fail epically at the one and only job in my lifetime that really, actually counts!”  Now, I’m a very competitive person, who has always strived for perfection in any challenge… I would never, ever consider quitting or giving up at anything… that thought had never (would never have) crossed my mind before and I do repeat BEFORE I was blessed with 2 tiny humans.  They broke me! They shattered my perfection into what I am today…a beautiful, yet broken, piece of stained glass.  Sometimes I am re-broken, numerous times, so that the pieces fit together better, so that I become better at my mom job, better at doing adulting and life and everything in-between.

Mom duties are 24/7…. all day everyday….52 weeks out of the year, 3 hundred and sixty-five days each year and the pay, ugh, let’s not go there (once while shopping for tiny human sustainables in Costco I checked out a purse, I know, so guilty, my son told me, “Mommy, that’s not on the list and you know what daddy will say if you come home with another purse! You have plenty in the closet!” GASP! Nevermind the fact that every single purse I owned during this phase was either a hand-me-down gift complete with a broken zipper or a crack in the faux leather or a well-deserved gift to myself 😉 from the local Vila’ge (aka Value Village)! You get the idea…the pay is not great; well, I think it’s safe to say that the pay for being the mommy in charge (or my self-given title – Manager of Tiny Humans) is non-existent.  There’s no paid vacation, no paid time off, no sick pay, no personal days, buuuuuuuut there are benefits! Priceless, irreplaceable little life-sustaining flecks of gold that work their way into the mosaic of our mommy hearts.  They come in the form of sloppy kisses, squishy faces, messy sleep hair, favorite SuperMan capes, spilled milk, crumbs in the peanut butter that only exist when the tiny humans are little and they tried to help by spreading the cracker in the peanut butter jar, worms in my bathtub because that’s what we do each night to “get the mud and dirt off”, lightning bugs and caterpillars with names like Verde and Amarillo (green and yellow, respectively in Espanol…I know, I speak Spanish so my son knows a few words, some songs and phrases so sometimes a few pets end up with a name of Spanish origin) kept in jars until the last molecule of oxygen has finally been spent, Cheerios in my hair (yes this really happened, I walked around all day with a cheerio in my hair and no one dared tell me and yes it’s a fashion thing…somewhere!), boogie smears from tiny noses on my jeans, toilet bowl conversations with Finny McFinnigans (our precious fish who died a tragic death when he leapt to his freedom out of the fishbowl one starry night)…”I hope Jesus is down there with you Finny and that you aren’t scared in your new home” – said one precious 5-year-old boy every single morning for about six months straight.   The tiny hands I have been given the privilege to hold for comfort in lieu of fear, a bad dream, or just to give confidence to cross over to the next life adventure…this is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  These are the moments that will sustain me to the finish line at the mom olympics. I have many priceless memories over the past decade.  Yes, there are hardships, adversity and tears (far too many to count), I get more things wrong than I get right (thank you God for the many do-overs I am blessed with on a daily basis), but the good definitely out ways the bad and the hard parts are cancelled out and transformed into victories by the precious, sweet memories and fleeting love moments that pepper our day-to-day activities and shortcomings.  These moments, these memories are leaving footprints all over my heart and, that my fellow managers of tiny humans, is the most important prize…far better than a big, corporate title and salary.

“Some women fear the fire. Some women simply become it!” – R.H. Sin  I love, LoVe, LOVE this quote! Become the fire that inspires your children to seek truth, to be LOVE,  to never stop reaching for the stars, and to never, EVER stop trying to be the best version of themselves! It’s super important (as moms and parents in general) that we teach our kids how to endure failure and embrace individuality…. we’d be boring if we were all the same – had all the same gifts; don’t just teach them to embrace it but also to learn from it….to get up again (and again and again) – to get up as many times as it takes.  Teach them that failed attempts happen all throughout life, but you can still achieve victory, the greatest victory often comes at the cost of several failed attempts. As a parent there are so many teachable moments, so many life lessons that can add value and breadth and depth to your child’s character (and yours if you pay attention 🙂 ).  I’ve learned that it’s ok, it’s empowering, to admit when I was wrong or I failed my tiny humans in some seemingly catastrophic way.  Often I need a double dose of courage and strength to get through my day. I am humbled today only to awake tomorrow for another dose of humble pie complete with a difficult obstacle course and no navigation system.  I feel completely and utterly lost some days, I passionately hate packing lunches and the pre- school morning sprint complete with lots and lots of sweating and an increased heart rate (as if I went to the gym 😉 ) but those love moments, those heart footprints sustain me so I press on to the finish line.

Thank you tiny humans for teaching me and blessing me with love beyond my wildest dreams, enough laughter and tears to keep me just on the cliff between crazy and sane, and the most amazing life adventure I could ever imagine!

Dealing with the unexpected, expecting the unexpected in life is an on-going challenge. It took me a long time to grasp this concept and be ok with my life going in a different direction than I planned.  Not just expecting the unexpected but handling the unexpected was and probably still is one of my greatest challenges.  I’m here to tell you I do not embrace change of any kind, including the smallest change, well at all.  Just to paint a mental picture for those of you who don’t know me well, my ability to handle change gracefully is like going down a dry waterslide in a swimsuit on a hot summer day or wrecking while flying down a gravel hill on your bicycle and skidding all the way to the bottom, that’s me handling change. I think it’s safe to say that adapting gracefully is not a natural gift I have in my bag of awesomeness. Some of you who know me well will be laughing as you read this and are picturing my fierce ability to resist…. resist change, resist rules, resist the voice of reason, you get the picture…I take the hard road Every.Time.  Well, at least I am consistent, right?!   I think we can all agree that consistent perseverance can be a blessing or a curse depending on how you use it.

When I was in my twenties I had my dream life all mapped out; my plan was not lacking or insufficient in any way, according to me…..dream husband – √, a clear idea and picture of my dream house – √, ideal number of kids planned (4 healthy ones) – √.  My plan was so complete it was shatter-proof and trophy-worthy for best plan EVER (also according to me)! The key words here are me, my, and I I I!  I was so sure of THE PLAN that when everything started going opposite of THE PLAN it was like getting my skin scraped off of my body one square inch at a time.  What my real life actually looks like….perfect husband – no but he is perfect for me; 4 healthy kids – not exactly…more like 2 kids (both born with multiple health issues and one is like having 12 so who needs 4 anyway 😉 ); dream house – yes, but I had to adjust my defining factors from materialistic and big to what really makes a dream home… cozy, cobweb-filled plus a layer or two of dust for protection, of course 😉 ,  warm and love-filled.

Someone asked me the other day, “How do you do it? How do you keep yourself together with so many unknowns and unexpected things with Chloe?”  My response was and is this…. Life is full of the unexpected.  Life is full of adversity and difficult, muddy, murky waters.  We don’t get to control most things.  Even if we think we are in control, we’re not!  Just like a bad choice doesn’t have to have a bad ending, life’s unexpected curve balls don’t have to feel like a skidmark resulting in roadrash for the rest of time.  There is always a lesson to be learned.  I call them teachable moments. Many trials that happen in our life are out of our control.  What we can control is how we respond and react to them.  I apply this to people as well as situations.  I try to love more than I hate every.single.day.  I strive for more love-filled moments than hate-filled moments.  I can’t control what someone says about me or how they treat me but I can control how I react to the negativity and hurt.  You have a choice to make.  You can choose to love more than you hate but, at the end of the day, it is your choice to make.  The unexpected doesn’t have to remain in the unwanted category.  Most of my greatest victories can be found in the unexpected….in the difficult moments but I am here to tell you that the more difficult the battle the sweeter the victory.  If life was super easy all the time it probably wouldn’t be a life worth living.  In my life, there have been many difficult and hard moments, unspeakable losses, character-defining hardships  and on many occasions I have wanted to quit!

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.”  ~ A favorite quote in our house from the great Arnie Fortunator (Jake called him this when he was little and it stuck but his real name is Arnold Schwarzenegger).

The unexpected life moments have taught me to be more compassionate and kind than I could have ever imagined; to love more fiercely; to cherish and respect more deeply; to fight with courage and strength and press on towards the goal of always loving more and trying again.  Never give up! You’ll be glad you didn’t.  Learn from your failed moments.

Don’t let your fears and perfected ideals keep you from achieving greatness!

 

On this day, nine years ago, our entire life was changed.  In one single moment we went from being a family of 3 to 4.  In one single moment my heart was fractured; broken beyond repair (or so I thought).  In one single moment I received one of my biggest life challenges but also one of my greatest joys; one of the most beautiful gifts.

In the nine months leading up to this day God laid a scripture on my heart (actually, in my dream the message was more like this: bind these words to your heart and hold on tight).  The scripture:  “Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.  For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.” – Isaiah 43:1-3 (NIV)

At the time, I thought these words are lovely but I can’t see the stress behind your words in my dream, Lord.  Then, on October 18, 2007 our Bella-Bleu (because she has the most beautiful shade of midnight blue eyes we’ve ever seen) was born.  Nothing could have prepared me for this day.  Chloe-Bella has many special needs but she gives so much love.  She has taught our family how to fight, how to survive, to always, always enjoy the little things, and most importantly, how to love with our whole heart.  She is observant, funny, super sassy, and all day, every day, she loves you with her entire being.  Chocolate, ketchup, and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are at the top of her food-guide pyramid; her favorite colors are purple and red; and she once had a meltdown over shoes in a shoe store (just like every other girl I know when they don’t have your size but you aren’t leaving without those shoes).  I could go on and on about the wild “Chloe moments” in our life. She is a true fighter; a determined survivor.  Chloe’s needs are a multitude of complexities that we have had to adjust to and learn to live with.  She doesn’t do anything typically (this includes getting sick… I believe she still holds the record at our local children’s hospital for most bacterium in lungs at one time!).  She was born immuno-suppressed (lacking a working immune system) and medically fragile in the lungs (these are her main diagnoses but she has a collection of secondary/tertiary medical issues).  By her third birthday she had spent a total of 365 days in the hospital (for those of you who hate math, that’s 1/3 of her life up to that point!) and Ronald McDonald house was our second home.  We grieved, we cried (a lot) and we held on to our faith (sometimes only by a single strand), but we made it through together (our family unit still intact).

I spoke at a complex care conference and because this sums it up nicely….. “I am the parent of a special needs child who is globally delayed and medically fragile. Raising a child with special needs is both a blessing and a challenge. You’re their advocate and your role at home is much more than just a mom (you’re a Doctor., a nurse, a fundraiser, a scheduling coordinator, a dietician, a physical therapist, and so much more). My strengths have been diversified through the challenges. I’ve been pushed far beyond my limits. I’ve developed a softer heart and a stronger ability to empathize with others. My ability to think critically in medical emergencies (or any emergency) has been sharpened tremendously. I have to problem solve each day and am required to pay close attention to specific details (vital signs, blood pressure, Oxygen saturations, body temperature, respiratory and heart rate, etc.). My daughter has helped me recognize my passions. I’ve learned to love beyond what I ever thought humanly possible. You don’t realize the depths of victory and true joy until you see your child overcoming some of their challenges.  This experience has helped me realize I can overcome more than I ever thought possible and achieve whatever I set my mind to. It’s helped me understand that true love is meeting someone (child or adult, special needs or not) exactly where they are – no matter how they stack up against a societal ideal. Raising a special needs child shatters all the ideals that we idolize and build our lives around. It puts something else at the core: true love and understanding.” – BS (yes those are my initials, you can stop laughing now 🙂 )

Initially our family was fractured; however we have learned to love better, to be more compassionate,  understanding, and accepting of circumstances out of our control.  Although the cracks in my heart remain, it’s no longer shattered.  In our brokenness we find strength and courage.  I feel blessed that God picked me to be Chloe’s mom even when it’s hard.  Our circumstances have taught me to focus on the beautiful mosaic that is our life rather than the broken moments.

So, while our road has been overwhelmingly difficult at times, I’m here to tell you that God weaves life’s hurts, heartaches and broken moments together creating a  beauty that is soul-deep.

We celebrated Chloe’s 9th birthday on Sunday which is a miracle because she wasn’t initially supposed to make it past 5!  She went to her first real movie in the theater! It was pure joy to see someone appreciate the big screen so much! I’m a little scared by how much she loves Coca-Cola, licorice and buttered popcorn, but it’s all good! Some birthday moments….

What a crazy month September was! Actually, if I’m being honest and totally transparent the past 5 months of my life have been a bit on the crazy side; wild (and I’m not talking wild in a good way!).  My husband and I have labeled this past summer the “Summer of Pain”; present with heaps of physical and emotional pain.  I’m pretty sure I’m being prepped to handle prisoner of war type of pain and torture, let’s hope not, but going with the attitude of “you can never be TOO prepared”.  On May 13th I had surgery number 7 (in three years)! I had to have my latissimus dorsi (a large, triangular back muscle) and a 2″x 6″ section of skin from the right side of my back removed (complete with it’s blood supply) and grafted to my right pectoral region (front chest).  It was by far my most difficult surgery.  Difficult in almost every aspect – mental prep, physical and mental recovery, pain management, chest drains x 4 with staggered removal, 207 staples – yeah that’s A LOT of hardware, even for a veteran chest surgery patient; I think you get the picture.  It was crazy hard.  There was a lot of crying in the closet (my go-to area when I really need to emotionally deal with my life, which, by the way, I want to point out – I need a bigger closet… I’m starting to feel claustrophobic in mine).  The lack of sleep I was getting paired with the constant physical pain I was in really broke me. My courage, strength, toughness and general bad assery that my friends claim are trademark “Britanie” characteristics were scarce (almost MIA) over the summer months. I think they took their own summer vacation!  To add to the crazy, every 2 weeks, starting in early June, I had to go for painful injections.  The pain these injections caused would last about 10 days and then it was time for another round.  My last set of injections were completed on September 6th and I cannot begin to express how glad I am to be done with them!!

Summer happens to be one of my favorite seasons (fall is my other favorite season).  This summer, despite all of it’s difficulty and heartache, seemed to fly by.  We had some firsts (i.e. Jake went to his first overnight camp…yep I cried.  I didn’t even make it to my closet; we drove cross country with Chloe… a few favorite quotes from this crazy adventure – “Teamwork makes the dreamwork!”- mantra we repeated every time we had to unload/reload Chloe and all of her equipment/supplies;  “Hammer down ghost rider!” – encouraging words from a brother;  “It was like Dante’s inferno and the 9 stages of hell!” – my husband’s response when asked how the trip was; camping with cousins at a local provincial park with beach access) and we had some lasts (i.e. “We will NEVER, EVER attempt to drive cross country with Chloe again!” – Kevin Summerhays’ take away from our family adventure; I wrote my final exam and last research paper for a BaSc degree in Public Health).  I’m not sure what is more difficult: the first times or the last times.  Both are bitter sweet to me.

Then we crashed (ungracefully) right into back to school and fall season (transition was more like a skid mark than the smooth, calm, organized that we all strive for). I struggle with the back to school month of September.  I’m emotional because my children are starting new years in school and growing older…growing up.  With each passing year they need me less; my time on the sidelines is increasing.  I know that is a great thing but it is this mom’s double-edged sword.  I struggle to let go even though I know it’s a good thing that they are handling more and becoming more independent.  I struggle to balance just the right dose of help, encouragement, discipline, flexibility, kisses/hugs (which I believe you can NEVER over do) and all the things that are required of me to grow my little humans into positive, value-contributing members of the community in which we live.  I pray every day that my husband and I are giving Jake and Chloe the tools to be lights in the darkness; to find their inner strong and survive.  I don’t want to get to the end, to the parenting “last” and realize my efforts resulted in epic failure.  I think  most parents would agree that is a huge (if not the biggest) fear we are faced with.

I painted a picture of my wild and crazy summer for a reason.  Most people, including those in my inner circle, really have no idea what I have gone through in the past 9 years (our biggest challenge was born nine years ago on Tuesday of next week), let alone 5 months.  I know this is my fault as I am a closet dweller when the mountains arise in my life.  I ask this question to many, “What do you actually know about those you are closest to?” As a culture, we aren’t naturally transparent; in a way we are all closet dwellers.  We hide behind masks and pretend everything is all good, all the time.  I feel, regardless of whether we know what the other person is going through or not, we are called to be more kind; more compassionate; encouragers of love, joy and peace.  We live in a culture that is hyper-critical and super judgemental and women are the worst (or best depending on perspective) for pecking out each other’s eyeballs!  We’re all trying to appear as though we have it all together.  I notice this more once school resumes.  I see moms who have every piece of hair perfectly coifed, make up beautifully applied and wearing a cute (matchy and perfectly accessorized) outfit at morning drop off (and good for you, by the way, I’m so glad you have the time and energy for those morning preparations).  Then there’s me: at least one cheerio in my hair (sometimes a whole colony of cheerios camping like hippies amongst the weedy strands of my hair), an outfit representing at least 3 colors from the ROY G BIV color wheel, and sweaties (because what outfit wouldn’t be complete without sweatpants!).  I feel defeated and a bit ashamed when I see me vs. the vogue mom, but then I look at where I have come from and realize I’m still winning, just in a very different way.  Most nights I have been up at midnight, 2 and 4 but I still get up to make hot breakfast with my kids, pack lunches and sing the Summerhays good morning song (it’s something you need to see to believe people…singing in the morning when you aren’t a morning person – that alone is a miracle!).  Despite not being a morning momma, I love early morning cuddles and squishy, wrinkled skin on my kids faces from a hard night of sleeping.  These are the moments that I cherish (and hope I’m leaving them with lasting memories of a mom who loved with all her heart).  So while we don’t have it all together all the time (not even close) and some of us do have it more together we need to cheer each other on.  We all have cracks under the surface, some close to fracturing.  Take the time to smile, regardless of the outward appearance mom category you are in.  Be kind to one another.  Ask how another person is doing with intentions of really caring not just to provide small talk (and don’t judge a book by its cover…just because someone appears well put together you never know the battle they could be having or the hurt they are trying to overcome underneath the surface).  Be encouraging to one another; be a blessing not a curse!

The past five months (for me, for us) have been filled with a healthy dose of bitter plus a healthy dose of sweet, a lot of encouraging love from my husband and a few close friends, some deep contemplations about giving up, and a lot of determination to survive this crazy season.  Be that one person’s reason to fight on!

 

 

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I am finally getting my blog off the ground.  This has been in the works for about 3 years but I was frozen in fear.  Yep, that’s right I was afraid to move forward with this little project!  The call to do this has not lessened but rather grown stronger to the point where I can no longer resist.  The love and encouragement from friends and family as well as random strangers has given me the courage I needed to actually take the first step down this new road.  I’m not going to lie…I’m excited and nervous all at the same time, but mostly excited!

Stay tuned as I will be adding my first real post later this week!  In the mean time, you can check out my ‘about’ section to learn more about me and listen to my testimony!

I will leave you with this favorite quote:  “Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.” – Kahlil Gibran

Cheers to a happy, joy-filled Sunday my friends!